[He doesn't care. Tamaki is dead. It's pathetic that he's ignored this all day, but he doesn't have any concept of how to process it. He's never experienced a loss like this, his plans usually work out well enough, but this is beyond a failure. He's been set on winning, but it's hard to even picture what winning will look like. He'll return home, but the only real friend he's ever had won't be there. He doesn't consider the other club members; he may be closer to them than he expected himself to be, but their relationships all revolve around this fiction Tamaki created, and without him, it won't exist anymore. Besides, he'll have to pretend to not know what happened, and that will be easier if he's already decided not to preserve anything with the others.
So that's...a rather hollow picture of life. For a moment he weighs the thought of just giving up. Going back to that will be almost worse than anything that has happened here, and winning here will still take everything he has. But it's only a moment. He's not given to dwell on painful feelings, and he isn't the type to give up. He doesn't want to die. If you die then they'll never be proven wrong about you, that they should never have underestimated you, that they should have reconsidered before they fucked with you. Having someone who cares about you and understands you isn't a necessity, it's a luxury, and he can get through without it.
It's clear that he went wrong by being too soft. He worried too much about the consequences for his future, and what Tamaki would think or say about how he was playing, and he let chances slip him by. Absolutely pathetic. In a survival situation something like that can't be a priority. Not that he would have considered abandoning Tamaki, but he shouldn't have been focusing on his fucking feelings.
He should have killed Jack. It all keeps coming back to that. No matter that Jack had nothing to do with Tamaki's death, or that he so far has kept his word to protect them. It's the fatal flaw in his strategy, the only one he can see; his inability to go far enough wasting all of the strengths he had to offer. And now he's learned this the hard way. But he's not fucking letting a chance slip by him again. He is not going to die here. He's not going to give them the fucking satisfaction.
He takes a few moments to breathe, to calm himself. And then he unzips his backpack.]
Very well. I've extra rations...it will only slow me down to carry this on my own.
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So that's...a rather hollow picture of life. For a moment he weighs the thought of just giving up. Going back to that will be almost worse than anything that has happened here, and winning here will still take everything he has. But it's only a moment. He's not given to dwell on painful feelings, and he isn't the type to give up. He doesn't want to die. If you die then they'll never be proven wrong about you, that they should never have underestimated you, that they should have reconsidered before they fucked with you. Having someone who cares about you and understands you isn't a necessity, it's a luxury, and he can get through without it.
It's clear that he went wrong by being too soft. He worried too much about the consequences for his future, and what Tamaki would think or say about how he was playing, and he let chances slip him by. Absolutely pathetic. In a survival situation something like that can't be a priority. Not that he would have considered abandoning Tamaki, but he shouldn't have been focusing on his fucking feelings.
He should have killed Jack. It all keeps coming back to that. No matter that Jack had nothing to do with Tamaki's death, or that he so far has kept his word to protect them. It's the fatal flaw in his strategy, the only one he can see; his inability to go far enough wasting all of the strengths he had to offer. And now he's learned this the hard way. But he's not fucking letting a chance slip by him again. He is not going to die here. He's not going to give them the fucking satisfaction.
He takes a few moments to breathe, to calm himself. And then he unzips his backpack.]
Very well. I've extra rations...it will only slow me down to carry this on my own.